Stay Cool: Anger Management Tips for Parents

by Bryan Odom

We all get angry sometimes. Despite our best efforts we only have so much control over what’s going on around us. When things aren’t going the way we wanted or expected it’s understandable that we might feel frustrated, irritated or just really angry. And the truth is that that’s completely normal. There’s nothing wrong with getting angry. We do however need to be able to manage our anger so that it doesn’t become a destructive force in our lives. Many of us haven’t developed an understanding of our own personal relationship with anger and how it impacts us. It’s important to find ways to experience our anger but also express it in a healthy way. Luckily, there’s a lot of useful anger management techniques that are likely to help you and anyone you know who struggles with anger.

 Let’s get to know ourselves and our anger better . . .

• What causes anger and anger issues?

• How can anger affect a person?

• Anger Management Tips

• Anger Management Tips for Parents

What causes anger and anger issues?

Anger is an emotional state that causes physiological changes including increases in heart rate and blood pressure. It can vary greatly in intensity from mild irritation to intense rage. A person’s anger can be caused by both external and internal factors. Common triggers include:

•    A frustrating event like waiting in a long line

•    Problems or unresolved conflict in a personal relationship

•    Events where we feel disrespected like when someone shows up late for an appointment

•    An event where we feel overlooked such as when we don’t get selected for a job or a sports team

•    Memories of a traumatic or embarrassing experience

•    Even hormonal changes can be at the root of anger.

How can anger affect a person?

When a person seems to have an anger issue and finds themself regularly getting so upset that they feel out of control it can impact their life in many ways:

•    Relationships: Anger can negatively impact a person’s relationships with family, friends and romantic partners. When someone regularly flies into fits it can make others feel that that person can’t be trusted and that others can’t speak openly and honestly in their presence.

•    School and Work: When a person expresses anger in a disrespectful way at work it can cause colleagues and clients to lose respect for them. When children can’t express anger in a healthy way in school it can lead to punishment from teachers and problems interacting with other students.

•    Physical Health: A chronic anger issue can cause headaches, insomnia, heart attack and digestions problems.

•    Psychological Health: An anger issue can use cause mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and stress. Due to the amount of mental energy it uses anger can also make a person more likely to make poor decisions following a bout of anger.

Anger Management Tips

While anger can feel overwhelming when we’re experiencing it there are a number of different steps that can be taken to manage it and make sure it isn’t a destructive force in our lives. Here are some effective anger management techniques:

•    Take a Timeout: Timeouts can work for kids AND adults. When you’re feeling stressed or on- edge step away and take a break.

•    Break a Sweat: Studies show that physical activity is a great way to reduce the stress that increases our chances of getting angry. The next time you’re feeling angry go for a walk or shoot some hoops.

•    Lighten Up: Often times the best antidote for anger is to lighten up. Try looking at what caused you to get angry and the unrealistic expectations that you might have had.

•    Use a little Humor: Laughing has been clinically proven to do wonders for us mentally, physically and, yes, even when we’re angry. Being silly can release tension and will often times help us forget what we were angry about. However, make sure that if your anger came about during an argument or disagreement that you avoid sarcasm. It can easily be misinterpreted.

•    Communication: It’s important to be aware of how anger can affect the way we see things and how we communicate. We’re more likely to jump to conclusions and lash out. Remember to:

•    Slow down

•    Think before you speak

•    Once you’re calm, express your feelings

Also, try to avoid making “you” statements (i.e, “you disappointed me”). Use “I” statements when describing what upset you.

•    Don’t Hold a Grudge: Unresolved anger can turn into resentment and bitterness. Always remember that anger doesn’t solve anything. It’s much better to forgive and try to learn something from the situation.

•    Listen to Music: Playing something relaxing can help us get past our anger. Playing something upbeat that makes us move can help us run off the angry energy and loosen up.

•    Repeat a Mantra: Simply repeating a phrase to ourselves can soothe us and bring calm. Some popular mantras are “calm down”, “this to shall pass” and “all is well”.

•    Stretch: Stretching and easy yoga-like movements can release tension and lower stress. In fact, research has shown that yoga can improve impulse control and overall well-being.

•    Muscle Relaxation: This technique involves tensing and then slow relaxing different muscle groups in your body. Start with the muscles in your shoulders and then work your way down to your calves. As your tensing and relaxing focus on inhaling and exhaling slowly.

•    Count Down From 10: Counting exercises allow us to focus on something while giving our heart rate time to slow down. If you’re really mad, start at 20 or 50 or 100. By the time you reach 0 you’ll feel calmer.

•    Be Careful With Alcohol, Drugs & Caffeine: Alcohol and other substances lower our inhibitions and make it easier to lose control. The caffeine in coffee and energy drinks can make you more irritable and quicker to lash out.

•    Gratitude: Being thankful can be hard when we’re angry but remember the good things in our life can put the way we feel into perspective.

•    Create: If you’re a guitarist, play! If you’re a dancer, dance! Angry energy can be fuel our creative expression. It’s a truly healthy and positive way to express anger.

•    Get Some Shut Eye: When we’re not rested we’re more irritable and more likely to thing negatively. If you’re finding yourself getting angry a lot focus on improving your sleep hygiene.

•    Be Clear on Why You’re Angry: Sometimes we snap and don’t even know why. Reflect on what led to your anger. What happened in the moments before you got angry? Have you been feeling frustrated or pressured lately?

•    Find Solutions: If something really ticked you off figure how to deal with it. If your roommate hasn’t been doing his share of the chores, talk to him about it.

•    Be Aware of Your Triggers: There are always signs that we’re getting upset. What’s yours? When most people start getting angry its common for:

•    their hart to beat faster

•    their breathing to speed up

•    their muscles to tense

•    their hands or feet to fidget or tap

•    Try Mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques such as focusing on our breath and being aware of the present can calm both mind and body.

•    Know When to Seek Help: Sometimes we need help learning to control our anger. If you start to feel that you have a chronic anger issue it’s important to acknowledge it. Seek a professional that can help you work through your anger issues.

•    Change Your Thinking: “Cognitive Restructuring” means changing the way we think. You identify your own negative thought patterns, look at how they contribute to your anger and correct them so that you’re able to manage your emotions better. Some negative thought patterns that can contribute to anger issues include:

•    Blaming - Concluding that whenever something makes us unhappy it’s someone else’s fault

•    Overgeneralizing - Thinking in “absolutes”. (i.e., “Everyone is working against me!”; “You never listen to me!”)

•    Jumping to Conclusions: Assuming you know what other people think or feel.

•    Talk It Over: Get together with a friend and talk about what’s making you angry. Getting something off our chest can sometimes be what’s needed to help us calm down.

Anger Management Tips for Parents

Parenting might be the most challenging thing you’ll ever do. When our children get upset it can be difficult to know how to respond. It’s important to remember that they’re still developing and in the process of learning how to express themselves. It’s also important to recognize that there’s steps we can take as parents to turn tantrums into positive growing experiences.

Here are some useful anger management tips for parents dealing with an angry child. All of the tips are rooted in gentle parenting:

•    Keep Calm: When our children are emotional it’s easy for us to get swept up in that emotion as well. It’s difficult to keep cool when kids are angry, but it’s important to make the effort. You’ll be able to do more to help them if you’re calm.

•    It’s Ok to Be Angry: Help your child see that all emotions are OK. What’s important is that we learn how to express them in a constructive and healthy way.

•    Don’t Give In to Outbursts: Make sure that your child sees that lashing out will not get them what they want. If they want something and you’ve decided that they’re not getting it, don’t allow their anger to change your mind.

•    Mantras Work for Kids Too: Try ask your child to repeat a saying three times. “I can control my emotions” is a good one.

•    Use a Feeling Vocabulary: A lot of children express anger physically. They’ll kick, scream and hit because they don’t know how to express what they’re feeling verbally. Help your child develop a Feeling Vocabulary so that they can start learning to express their anger with words. Some good vocabulary words are angry, frustrated, tense, furious, nervous, upset and mad.

•    Practice De-Escalating: Kids have a much easier time listening and learning when they’re calm. Use times when your child is upset to get better at calming things down.

•    Tear Your Anger Up: Have your child draw or write what’s upsetting them on a piece of paper. Then tell him to tear that paper into pieces and throw it away. It’ll give your child an opportunity to direct their anger at what caused it in a healthy way.

•    Angry Dancing: Put on some music that is easy to move to and do an angry dance with your child. Moving around will release tension and burn off some of that angry energy.

•    Set Boundaries: Allow your child to express their anger but set limits as far as behavior. They should know that it’s OK to get angry but they are not allowed to hit or be destructive.

•    Breathe Deep: If you feel that you’re getting frustrated yourself try taking deep breaths Inhale deeply filling your belly, and then exhale slowly while contracting your belly.

•    Polar Bear Hugs: Research has shown that a 20-second hug every day can make us happier and more resilient. Try having a Polar Bear Hug break every day. Tell your child that you’ll hug each other really tight for 20 seconds (and either one of you can call for a Polar Bear Hug break).

•    Hand Tracing: This technique involves your child raising a hand and then tracing along their fingers with a finger from their other hand. As they go up one finger they inhale. As they go down the other side of that finger they exhale.

•    Stay Involved: Don’t send your child away when they’re angry. Making her sit by herself with the scary emotions she’s experiencing won’t help. Stay involved and make sure that they feel safe expressing themselves to you.

•    Find Anger in the Body: Help your child connect with what’s happening in their body when they’re getting angry. Once they recognize the physical sensations that come before they get upset they’ll be able to start using coping skills to avoid blow-ups.

•    Self-Talk: Talk yourself through the ups and downs of a tantrum. Some useful things to tell yourself are:

•    “Share your calm, don’t join their chaos”

•    “I’m going to show my child the healthy way to express themselves”

•    “Be the thermostat, not the thermometer”

•    “All feelings are OK. I want my child to know that”

— — — —

Anger, like all of our emotions, can serve as a path to a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. If we can learn to use effective coping skills during our angriest moments we can become better versions of ourselves and strengthen the bonds in our most valued personal relationships. The next time you feel yourself getting mad try using one of the techniques mentioned here.

You’ll see that you have much more control over your feelings than you thought

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Toxic Stress in Children

Children are the future of society, and they can experience a number of stressors throughout childhood. These stressors can have a profoundly negative impact on a child’s development, which is why it’s important for teachers and parents to promote healthy home and school environments. Extensive research on the biology of stress shows that healthy development can be derailed by excessive activation of stress response systems in both the body and brain. There are generally three levels of stressors: 

• Positive stress

Positive stress is known as good stress or “eustress”. It is the type of stress that happens in our day-to-day life, and that may cause a temporary increase in our stress level from which we quickly recover. Some examples of positive stress can include going mountain climbing for the first time or hoping to get promoted at your job. For children, it can include learning to ride a bicycle, getting immunizations at the doctor’s office, or the first day of school.

• Tolerable stress

Tolerable stress activates the body’s alert systems to a greater degree as a result of more severe, longer-lasting difficulties, such as the loss of a loved one, a natural disaster, or a frightening injury. This type of stress causes significant levels of stress in a child. It takes more effort to recover and the stress lasts a bit longer. Over time, the child’s mind and body recover due largely to the relationships with adults who love and care about them. When loved ones help them adapt, a child’s brain and organs recover from what might be damaging effects. 

• Toxic stress

Toxic stress occurs when a child experiences strong, frequent, and prolonged adversity, such as physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. This kind of prolonged activation of the stress response systems can disrupt the development of a child’s brain architecture and other organ systems. It also increases the risk for stress-related disease and cognitive impairment that lasts for an extended period of time. Research suggests that childhood trauma can alter the developing brain in a number of ways.

When toxic stress occurs continually, or is triggered by several sources, it can have a cumulative toll on an individual’s physical and mental health, for a lifetime. The more traumatic experiences in childhood, the greater the likelihood of developmental delays and later health problems, including heart disease, depression, or diabetes. However, good relationships with friends and families can help prevent the damaging effects of the toxic stress response in children. 

Here is a few suggested resources for parents: 

• Get information from fellow parents

Everyone needs love and support during the difficult times, especially children. It’s very helpful to learn more about the support that has helped other parents, from other parents. 

• Study free activities guides

There are a number of simple free, age-appropriate activities that can help build your child’s brain and create a stronger bond between child and parents. Study these kinds of activities and learn the suggestions will help your child develop and grow to meet their full potential. 

Meta Description: Childhood stressors can have a profoundly negative impact on a child’s development, which is why it’s important for teachers and parents to promote healthy home and school environments. Generally, there are three levels of stressors: positive stress, tolerable stress, and toxic stress. 

References: https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/stress-and-resilience-how-toxic-stress-affects-us-and-what-we-can-do-about-it/

Tools to Assess Social and Emotional Learning in Schools

Social and emotional learning (SEL) is an integral part of education and human development. SEL is the process through which children and adults acquire and effectively apply the knowledge, attitude, and skills necessary to understand and manage emotions, set and achieve positive goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain positive relationships, and make responsible decisions. 

In general, humans pay a lot of attention to hard skills, such as reading, writing, and computing. These skills require both knowledge and proficiency to complete specific tasks. Educators could easily measure these abilities through standardized tests and assessments. 

In contrast, social-emotional learning (SEL) is a soft skill, which makes it difficult to measure. SEL is an intangible ability that we can perceive but only evaluate subjectively. 

SEL Across Age Levels

The assessments help us track and measure a student's educational experience. They let us see what students are doing well and what areas they should improve. Students with strong SEL skills have more positive attitudes, participate more in the classroom, and are more accepted by teachers. Without SEL skills, they are likely to dislike school and perform poorly on academic tasks. As children mature, the role of SEL changes in their daily lives. During early childhood, SEL skills are organized around positive engagement with people and environment. Young children are often required to sit still or follow directions, and get along with others both at school and outside of school. 

When children are entering a middle childhood, SEL tasks then change radically. During this period of time, children become more aware of a wider social network and learn to form positive relationships with peers and adults. These tasks emphasize self-control, which can be challenging at a young age. 

Adolescents are expected to form closer relationships with peers and interact with a large group of people. Adolescence also comes with empathy development, giving students the ability to see the world from other people’s perspectives. 

Setting SEL Goals and Benchmarks Through Standards

Because SEL plays an important role of children’s development, the standards in this area are as 

crucial as those in any other area. The interpersonal domain includes teamwork, collaboration, and leadership. The interpersonal domain includes intellectual openness, work ethic, and positive self-evaluation. However, the NRC (2012) acknowledges that cognitive skills have been addressed more extensively than have interpersonal and interpersonal skills, which have no assessment tools to benchmark students. 

Since Common Core State Standards do not sufficiently address SEL needs, in terms of standards or assessment, it’s useful to look at Dusenbury el al, which examines states’ SEL standards. Several states have adopted excellent SEL standards and the Illinois State Board of Education is one of the best examples. Each SEL standard for elementary, middle, and high school is organized around three main goals that take in all the aspects of SEL:

• Goal 1 is to develop self-awareness and self-management skills to achieve school and life success.

• Goal 2 is to use social awareness and interpersonal skills to establish and maintain positive relationships.

• Goal 3 is to demonstrate decision-making skills and responsible behaviors in personal school, and community contexts. 

Tools for Assessing SEL in Educational Setting

Devereux Early Childhood Assessment, Second Edition

Devereux Early Childhood Assessment, Second Edition is nationally-normed assessment that evaluates within-child protective factors associated with resilience in preschool children. Both parents and teachers can do the assessment checklist, in either English or Spanish, and evaluates the presence of 27 positive behaviors common in preschool children.

Devereux Student Strengths Assessment

Devereux Student Strengths Assessment are behavior rating scales for elementary school-age children (K-8), completed by parents or teachers. The DESSA measures child strengths that map very directly onto the SEL skills described here. Specifically, it provides ratings on 72 items across eight scales, including:

• Optimistic thinking

• Self-management

• Goal-directed behavior

• Self-awareness

• Social awareness

• Personal responsibility

• Decision making

• Relationship skills

A social-emotional composite score is also included, which is based on a combination of the eight scales. Web-based administration, scoring, and interpretation are available.

Social-Emotional Assets and Resilience Scale 

The Social-Emotional Assets and Resilience Scale (SEARS) for K-12 includes a screener, as well as 52- to 54-item Teacher (SEARS-T), Parent (SEARS-P), Child (SEARS-C), and Adolescent (SEARS-A) versions, and examines SEL from a conceptual framework that is close, but not identical, to that sketched here: responsibility, social competence, empathy, and self-regulation.

The SEARS measures child strengths and provides useful information for intervention planning. They can also be applied to create student profiles for ongoing progress monitoring and subsequent prevention strategies.

Social Skills Improvement System Rating Scales 

The Social Skills Improvement System Rating Scales is a set of rating scales, which are designed to assess children's social behavior and assist in the implementation of interventions. This measure updates the widely used and positively evaluated Social Skills Rating Scales. Improvements include:

• Updated norms

• Four additional subscales for a broader conceptualization of social-emotional development

• Greater overlap across forms

• Validity scales

• Improved psychometric properties

• Spanish versions of forms

• Direct links to intervention

The system includes rating scales for teachers and parents covering the PreK-to-18-years age range, and self-report versions for students at the grade-school level and beyond.

Behavioral and Emotional Rating Scale

The Behavioral and Emotional Rating Scale (BERS) and the Preschool BERS (PreBERS) are strength-based SEL instruments. Both show robust, replicable factor structures, as well as reliability and validity. 

Meta Description: Social and emotional learning (SEL) is an integral part of education and human development. It is the process through which children and adults acquire and effectively apply the knowledge, attitude, and skills necessary to understand and manage emotions, set and achieve positive goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain positive relationships, and make responsible decisions. 

References: https://www.edutopia.org/blog/tools-assess-sel-in-schools-susanne-a-denham